My precious baby boy turned 8 months old yesterday. Time has flown by. They said it would. I knew it would. It did the first time. Sophie is now 5 years old. She will soon reach and surpass me in every way. I can no longer carry her. When she sleeps, I see the baby in her innocent face. She is innocent and beautiful. I miss the baby times, the toddler times, the wobbly walker and the babbly talker. I miss her falling asleep in my arms. I miss the occasional breast feeding time I had with her. I really miss that. I wish I had tried harder. I wish I had trusted my instinct over what I was being told. I wish things had been different.
But I have now. Now with my 8 month old Aidan. Now with my 5 year old Sophie. I have these precious moments. When she wants to dress like me, go to walks with me, go shopping with me. When she wants me to read her a bedtime story. I have that. I have the kisses and the hugs. She hugged me so strongly last night, it stained my neck! She is strong, she is healthy, she is wonderful, she is my daughter and she loved me. What else can I ask for? She makes my life a better place. Can I call life a place? If my life were a piece of land, with her in it, a garden has blossomed. Full of luscious fragrant blooms, full of tall beautiful trees, full of magic. It has. The land requires more attention, more care, more of everything. But it gives more, so much more than the easy to care for dry and bare piece it was before.
Aidan is 8 months old and I am already mourning the loss of these precious moments. I miss him being this little baby as I hold him in my arms, as I rock him to sleep, as I bathe him, give him kisses on the nose and those precious little toes. As I make him giggle and he makes me laugh, as I nurse him, as I sooth his cries, as I glance in those eyes. I miss him while I have him. I have him. He has me. I have these moments and I am so full of joy, it makes my heart ache.
There are always regret, along with those, there are wishes and hopes. That is a part of my life and I accept that, the joy, the laughter, the worry and the sorrow. It is all a part of me and I accept that. All those together are the ingredients to my happiness.