Is there anything sweeter than …


IMG_2433Is there anything sweeter the sound of your baby’s coo?
Of course I am not talking about you, I am talking about me and how happy my little helpless bundle of joy makes me with one little coo. At five months, that’s pretty much the only sound he can make, that and crying. I forgive all the crying, countless spit-ups, diaper accidents, and sleepless nights for just one little coo. I think he knows it too!
I don’t remember the exact moment he started to coo but the very first time he smiled was on Halloween. I had yet another heated argument with my mother and felt quite awful. With his little head cradled in my hands, I was gentling rocking him on my knees swallowing tears of sorrow and anger. His eyes were on my face and mine on his when suddenly a smile appeared on his little lips. Sure I had seen him smile in his sleep, but this was the first awake/aware smile. In that instant all those ugly feelings melted away and I wept tears of joy. One little smile …
In all the happy and profound moments of my life, I cannot recall anyone or anything resulting in such deeply profound and satisfying feelings as those I have with my baby. Not with my first love, or when I first learned to drive. Not when getting proposed to or even married. Not with any presents ever given to me. Not when getting accepted to university or getting a job. Not with good grades, not with high praise and not with any number of nice things I or anyone has ever bought me. Is this feeling happiness, joy, awe, love? Is it driven by hormones and instincts? Though all those words are included in what I feel, they seem inadequate to fully describe the depth and complexity of what I feel toward my children. It is so much more than love, more than any word I have in my vocabulary or have ever come across in a poem, book or movie. It is so much more.
I wasn’t one of those women born to be a mother, perhaps because I was born to a mother who wasn’t very maternal or so she claimed. In fact for the longest time I did not want any children and I only decided to have my first child after all my colleagues and friends started having babies. It was one of those, now or never moments. There is really no way to describe the transformation that after we have children. When I didn’t have him, I couldn’t imagine what life would be like with him and now, I can’t imagine life without him. In one instant the epicenter of my universe changed.
For me living in the moment has always been a challenge. My mind is either exploring the past with regret or chasing years ahead in fear and anxiety. but when I hold this little guy, without any conscious effort or realization, I’m brought back to the moment. My eyes on him, I see my reflection in those two tiny little eyes and in that mirror I look amazing. All my senses are tuned in. His scent, his delicate skin, his gentle touch, the sound of his breath the the weight of his wobbly little body all bring me back to the now and what an awesome now it is to experience.
I don’t know what future holds, what he’ll grow up to be, what he’ll think of me then; but for now his coo is the loveliest soundtrack to my life and I cannot possibly ask for more.

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6 thoughts on “Is there anything sweeter than …

  1. Is that your cutie? Wow. What a face.

    And what a nice piece about the joy that a baby brings.

    I was “never” going to have children. Life was too busy for that. But then my husband convinced me otherwise at 39. What a profound life-changing experience being a mother is. And it still is. Thanks for reminding me of that wonderful baby smell. There’s nothing like it in the world. 🙂

    Kiss your children for me and keep writing.
    Alice

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